How my narcissistic husband nearly destroyed me.
“I will destroy you, just as you have destroyed me. You are going down” were his words. And he tried for five years. He did all that he could to bring me down. Sometimes it felt that he nearly succeeded. Often I felt broken and exhausted.
The one thing that I have learnt from trying to divorce a narcissist is that his strong belief is that it is not your right to leave the marriage. It is not your right to tell them it is over. And if you ever try to do that then you had better be prepared for the fallout. Because by God, there will be fallout and it will not be pretty.
The reasons for the marriage breakdown in the first place; the emotional abuse, physical abuse, gas lighting and alcoholism, are all ‘lies’ when trying to divorce a narcissist; according to them, YOU were the one that was controlling, played mind games and it was your ‘madness’ that ruined the marriage.
The narcissist will also play the victim to all that will listen. It will be all your fault that the marriage ended. You are the one with mental health issues and depression. To those around them their story is that is was them who were simply trying their best and they never wanted the marriage to end.
In reality, the undermining of your parenting, the constant sarcastic remarks, the passive aggressive comebacks and the belittling of all that you do will eventually leave your self esteem, self confidence and self concept in tatters. When I finally emerged from those dark, confusing times I no longer knew who I was. I asked my friend at one point if she thought I was ‘mad’ or a ‘bitch’ or ‘evil.’ Looking back, I can’t believe that I ever believed those things.
One day, when I was on the verge of collapse with the strain of the emotional abuse, the stress of trying to keep it together as well as hide it from my three kids he innocently asked, “do you need outside help? Would you like me to take you somewhere like a doctors or a hospital?” He was implying that I seek psychiatric help; that it was ‘all in my head’. But a narcissist lacks true empathy. They are emotionally absent, so this ‘concern’ was not real. It was a front and a way to place blame.